bringing grown men to their knees

this weekend i was in san diego with mb and my running partner (who refuses to read this blog despite her love of gossip) running the rock 'n' roll marathon. it was a fun race overall, with local bands every mile for entertainment, and i felt less terrible at mile 22 than i have in the past, plus it was a good excuse to spend the weekend lounging around a hotel pool and eating everything in sight. mb did an amazing job, finishing an hour ahead of my partner and me, but in running faster, he missed the quirks that happen at the back of the pack. so rather than a sporty blow-by-blow description of each mile, i offer the following list of observations:

1. every sport seems to have its own collection of personalities, and distance runners seem to either be 1) young type-a's 2) 50-year-old men experiencing fitness rebirths, or 3) fundamentalist christians running for jesus.

2. it's fun to warn 50-year-old men experiencing fitness rebirths that two type-a running partners naturally have developed a strategy for finishing the race, but that it involves distracting ourselves by telling the girliest gossipiest stories we know. nothing makes a man look humble quite as fast as the prospect of four solid hours spent stuck with "and then he said... and i was like... can you imagine?"

3. don't sell them short: 50-year-old men experiencing fitness rebirths can be fun running partners for young women type-a runners with semi-scandalous stories. in fact, they might even contribute some tame but entertaining stories of their own about their grown children's adventures.

4. but you have to be careful: just because a man is 50 and experiencing a fitness rebirth does not exclude the fact that he might also be a fundamentalist christian running for jesus. in that case, the young type-a runners should specifically avoid any overt discussion of sex while retelling their scandalous boy stories to prevent unwanted discussions regarding the status of their souls.

5. the young type-a's can then resume the best parts of their stories after the 50-year-old man experiencing a fitness rebirth who also might be a fundamentalist christian running for jesus has lost them by stopping in the race to talk on his cell phone to his buddy larry, thus 1) saving the best stories for the end of the race and 2) prompting an additional theory that the 50-year-old man experiencing a fitness rebirth who might also be a fundamentalist christian might also be a closeted homosexual.

6. a finish line located on a military base makes for a very, umm, secure-feeling exit from the festival grounds, complete with men in uniform pointing guns at the weary finishers who are, in all likelihood, much too tired to even contemplate violating national security.

7. exiting the shuttle back to the hotel is a herculean feat, since it involves a line of post-marathoners trying to bend their knees enough to descend the shuttle-bus steps. never have i seen so many grown men whimper on exiting a simple little bus.

and most importantly:

8. a pre-race day that includes three hours spent lounging at an outdoor buffet breakfast, followed by shopping with a quick break for smoothies, followed by napping by the pool with a quick break for dairy queen, followed by a multi-course pasta dinner, is officially my idea of a good day. i would run a marathon again just to have that pre-race day back.