martha's anatomy?

everyone is blessed with certain gifts. mine, however, do not include sewing.

yesterday i had a day off to run errands, and decided it was time to do something about the buttons falling off my new winter coat, and the ripped seams in the lining of one of my favorite coats of my mom's from the '70s. really, any excuse to march off to the jo-ann fabric superstore for arts-and-crafts dreaming is good for me. armed with new needles and thread (and somehow another $40 of items for which i have no specific use yet, but i swear they'll be good for something) i called up a bunch of indie rock that i don't actually listen to, plopped down my pile of vintage coat and was feeling pretty faux-urban-hippie... except that i cannot sew a button to save myself.

seriously, is there a trick i don't know about? my coat fixing was a 2-hour ordeal. this seems unfair, since i, you know, have sewed at work on occasion, and that seems like it must be harder than a button. one major difference between my winter coat and people: stitching-manufacturers for people make the suture in a CONTRASTING COLOR from the, umm, sutur-ees. how am i supposed to find black thread between black coat and black button? that's a first disadvantage. second, wool coats are FATTER than people-skin. much harder to figure out where to put the needle. third, no tools. next time i'm at work i'm bringing home spare hemostats and needle drivers that we don't use, because i think i can use them to mend my pants. (also, curved needles. for seams? don't you think? better?) my mom taught me how to tie knots in thread once for a 4-h project but i was a dismal failure; at least i can instrument-tie. and fourth, i swear that buttons are just inherently evil. i totally got the multi-directionally-torn shoulder hem repaired in less time than 2 buttons took; it's just like running suture through a long laceration just under the outer layer of skin.

this is a little shop-talk for this blog, i realize, but help me: is there a people-equivalent of button? that would have really helped me yesterday. (it wouldn't have prevented my subsequently managing to briefly super-glue myself to the kitchen drawer, but that's another story. let's just say it's a good thing errand-day is done and i'm going back to work.)