how to succeed in business (without really trying)

today over lunch at work, a group of co-workers and i couldn't help but shift our conversation to the new student worker, and her apparent lack of disregard for basic rules when trying to make a good first impression. in the last two weeks we've seen her ignore her main responsibilities, lie about completing assigned basic tasks ("did you look up that report?" "umm, i don't know." "can you go look it up and get back to us?" "ok [disappears for five minutes]." "well, do you have the report?" "what?" etc.), leave important meetings and march back in twenty minutes later with a mouth full of very crunchy food...

i take the position that it is not difficult to at least look like you care at work. i took the liberty at lunch of starting a brief list of ways to feign interest and competence:

1) head control: nod slowly and meaningfully at key points during meetings. avoid eye contact with the speaker, squinting a little to indicate concentration, until a key point has been finished and you are sure you will not be asked to answer a question or take on a new project. seek out eye contact and look like you've just understood something very clearly when a superior's pet teaching principles are made; then speed your meaningful nod just a teeny bit.
2) if you are falling asleep and you're being watched, start dutifully writing down a list... of something. groceries, errands, anything. take frequent breaks like you're taking notes on the conversation. you can, of course, take notes on your actual job, but it's not necessary.
3) if having trouble maintaining a look of interest, maintain eye contact with your co-workers' more stylish shoes, and make mental notes of who might have new footwear you can complement them on later. if your co-workers' shoes are boring, consider buying new shoes yourself and admiring your own feet.
4) if, god forbid, you are asked to report on a project's status, take a deep breath and then do not slow down. say everything you can in one breath as fast as you can, leaving no breaks for someone to correct you, ask you a question or assign you more work. if you have no idea how to explain something, look your boss in the eye and say "i think we all expected this;" if you don't have hard data conclude "the trends are stable;" if you didn't finish an assigned task, tell them "i need to follow up on this to be absolutely sure."

what else? everyone's job is unique, but i think most rules apply to all jobs. can anyone help my poor student? add to the filterless school of fake?